My Life Without Identity

....maybe not

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 19:43:49 +0100

Okay scratch what I said earlier about trending up. I’m now really quite tearful and feeling trapped at the moment after watching that documentary. I don’t know if it was just a mistake watching it or if it brought up the feelings I’m hiding from myself or if I just want to escape my life.

I wish there was someone with all the answers! =(

I feel so lonely right now not being able to talk to anyone about this.

Trending up

Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:09:00 +0100

Things have been a bit better over the past few days. I’ve been feeling okay however I did watch the documentary today “Schoolboy to Showgirl - the Alexandra Billings story” which made me feel pangs of longing.

"I wish that I could just be brave, I must become a lion hearted girl, Ready for a fight, Before I..."

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:57:40 +0100

“I wish that I could just be brave, I must become a lion hearted girl, Ready for a fight, Before I make the final sacrifice.”

- Florence + The Machine

Tough time

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:15:19 +0100

Lately I’ve been having a tough time. Things are stressed at home with our new child and as my wife has recently given birth, vaginal sex is out at the minute.

Nothing wrong with other accesses however we don’t even get to use those every day though due to how high maintenance the new baby is in attention terms.

Maybe when the new one settles on his own a bit better we will be less stressed and we might be able to find some happiness.

Interesting....

Fri, 20 Aug 2010 10:05:44 +0100

A quick list of things that interest me at the moment so you can get a feel for what to expect posts on:

-Torches/flashlights -Gadgets -Every-day carry items and equipment -Transgendered issues -Night hiking -Survival -Photography -Clothing

Interesting things people carry every day

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 16:06:26 +0100

Interesting things people carry every day:

I might be nosy, but I really like seeing people and their every day carry items. These photos are great!

A beginning

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 15:51:00 +0100

So why start a blog? Well I find myself in a difficult position in life and I’m hoping that perhaps others in a similar position might offer advice or maybe see my messed up thoughts and feel a little less confused and alone, if only for a moment.

So who am I?

I’m in my late 20s I’m married, I have two children, and I think I’ve lived all my life so far with gender identity issues.

For reasons that will become apparent later I’m unable to share these feelings with anyone who knows me in real life. I’d like to share them though and even if no one reads them maybe it will help to see it all laid out, to see where I’ve been and help me decide which way to go from here.

So what makes me think I have Gender identity issues?

Well one of my earliest memories is playing a game as a child. I must have been around 4 or 5 at the time and the game was a typical role playing game children play, what the Americans would call “make believe”. I forget the general premise of the game but I distinctly remember casting myself in a female role within the game and it felt right. Like this was what was wrong in my life. At the time I don’t recall much else of what I thought, just that none of the other “boys” I was playing the game with seemed to have the same feelings.

Things continued from there until a few years ago when I became aware of the term transgendered and that I wasn’t the only person who felt this way. Before this I just thought I was weird and there was nothing to be done about it.

I eventually sought professional help and over the course of counselling I was diagnosed with OCD. The psychiatrist felt that due to factors I experienced when growing up, I had become obsessed with the thought that I wanted to be female. I was put on medication to apparently help the OCD and that seems to have eased the crises for a while.

It has also made me somewhat undecided about what I do feel, so right now I’ve no idea how I really feel about this.

I have some feelings of being happy with my wife and kids but I keep finding myself feeling joyless and I still feel jealous when I see an attractive woman I don’t know.

If it does turn out that when I come off the meds I’m still suffering from Gender Dysphoria I’m kinda trapped in my current life with wife and kids.

In a crisis a few years ago I broke down and shared my feelings with my wife. She made it quite clear she would want nothing to do with me if I underwent gender reassignment surgery.

So I hope that rambling stream of thought helps a little in understanding me.

More to follow